7th
a few thoughts
Well we’re seated now on our bed after a day of sweaty errands and household chores, about 15 minutes before the start of play on day four of the first Test match between Pakistan and Sri Lanka. We must’ve dozed off halfway through the second session on day three, immediately after the euphoria of watching a toothy teenager from tehseel Gujjar Khan knife through the rock of Sri Lanka’s middle order. From what we can tell, Sri Lanka slapped around Gul and Rauf for another couple of overs before falling to their own stupidities, and were eventually bundled out for 217. Then, highlights suggest that Sal was watchful, and Manzoor had the good sense to see off the new ball before betraying his complete inadequacy as an international cricketer. Skipper’s out of touch and missed an in-swinger, but God is Great, and Yousaf’s back. Pakistan now needs what, 97 or something?
We won’t rule out a collapse, but Pakistan should win this. But there are a couple of things that we’d like to mention before play gets underway:
1. Ramiz Raja needs to die. Arguably the most excrutiatingly obnoxious person in the world, his words are like nails on a demonic, death-inducing chalk board. We’ll wager that his mother would pay someone to put a bullet through his head.
2. Hey M. Yousaf, it’s great that you’re back and scoring centuries and making sure Pakistan is still a competitive Test team and everything; and it’s great that you’ve found faith and it’s given you more focus and discipline and everything; but for the love of Allah, your new, more accommodating god, please trim that fucking beard. I mean c’mon dude, you’re on TV, this is the age of image and aesthetics, just run into to Agha’s or whateverthehellyoupeoplehaveinLahore, and buy a beard trimmer. You don’t have to get rid of it, you don’t even have to do an Afridi-close shave, just make it neat. Allah’s with us on this one.
3. Galle is one of the most gorgeous places in the world to play cricket. The granite fort towering over a lush green ground to the one side, and an imposing Indian Ocean on the other, just makes you want to… make love to a Sri Lankan?
4. Ian Gould and Darrel Harper might be the worst umpires in the entire illustrious history of Test cricket. The farts that we are exhuming because of two days of nacho cheese sauce and this half eaten Wendy’s burger could make better decisions than these guys. Having said that, Pakistan may be the net beneficiary of those shitty decisions, so my farts will serve simply to further stink up my apartment for the time being.
5. Thilan Samaraweera is the most unappreciated batsman in world cricket.
Fuck. We can hear Ramiz’s verbal shits, so game time. Spare a thought for Ranil Abaynaikar—I can already hear the thuds from his head hitting the table.
