13th
Embrace the Rainbow
There is a rare, exclusive pleasure in being a Pakistan cricket fan. It is a pleasure few can share, and almost none can experience so often. It is a sharp, distinct, almost teary-eyed pleasure one can imagine would only be comparable to a man being raped, waking up from shock the next day, walking over to the home of his assaulter, finding them in their sleep, placing their balls on splintering wooden chopping board, and, with a 20 pound cleaver, dismembering their testicles.
Most recently, the above allegory starred the rapist Sri Lanka, and ball-chopper Pakistan. Pakistan was butt-fucked on the first day in Colombo, as a precession of batsman ceremoniously dropped their pants to reveal the “insert here” arrow sharpie’d onto their lower back. Shoaib Malik resisted, but even he couldn’t stop the rampant butt-fuck orgy taking place around him. It really, really hurt to be a Pakistan cricket fan two nights ago—the pain was deep.
But when all was thought lost, when we decided we’d just watch the first session to see how badly butt-bashed Pakistan could get, something happened, the Pakistanis found their cleaver, they were afraid no more. How about that ball to get rid of Sangakarra? By Christ and heaven that’s as close to divinity we’re ever getting ladies and gentlemen. The gods above offered us their pity, and in one fell swoop, Pakistan put their pants back on, turned around, and gave Sri Lanka tight bitch-slap. You go girlfriend.
But seriously folks, Younis Khan has the remarkable ability of instilling purpose into the team. What’s more, he picks the right time to do it. Purpose is a finite resource, and because we’re not a terribly talented side, Younis has to carefully time its deployment to coincide with its requirement. We saw him do it briefly in the Emirates, and we saw him do it at the Wolrd Cup. God knows what he said to the boys between the end of the first day and the start of the second, but the anecdote chronicled in this Sidharth Monga piece offers an idea of his wierdly intimate methods (“You.nis told Fawad he had something for him in the dressing room…”)
Whatever the outcome of the game, one thing is clear: Pakistan seems to be recongizing its limitations, its starting to figure out who it really is. We’re not a solid, consistent unit; we will never have a stable dependable batting line-up; we will never bowl ten overs of choking line and length. In short, we will never be the muscular, square-jawed alpha-male of a cricket team that Australia was, and India aspires to be. Younis knows this, and embraces it. We’re here, and we’re queer, and girlfriend you DID NOT just touch my hieny.
